By the Sweet Sixteen, the main cast of the NCAA Tournament begins to emerge. The usual group includes an NBA prospect, a mid-major darling, a Tom Izzo guard and a breakout redshirt senior. This year, it’s the Real Housewives of Indianapolis.
Over the course of the week, the regional semifinalists put on press conference masterclasses — insults, prayers and a touch of flirting between Dan Hurley and UConn forward Alex Karaban. Michigan emerged as a schoolyard bully, while St. John’s resorted to tactical starvation. With three rounds left to play, March Madness has become a tournament rolled into a soap opera. Here are its finest episodes from the Sweet Sixteen.
If you were ever handed a high school detention slip, you might recognize the look Ben McCollum shot his Hawkeyes after a brutal start to their game against Nebraska. Here he is, in all his cross-eyed glory, dumping metaphorical cold water over Cam Manyawu’s head.
TBS didn’t pick up the audio, but star guard Bennett Stirtz sure did. After following McCollum from D-II Northwest Missouri State to Drake, and now to Iowa, Stirtz is accustomed to the McCollum way. Seriously, this sounds like a scouting report for an anger management program.
“He slammed his whiteboard and broke his marker on the hardwood floor — ink everywhere. It was very intense (…) He was just telling us that we sucked and we were soft.”
And then McCollum got involved. Here he is revealing Iowa’s team policy when it comes to inanimate objects. It’s lucky the Hawkeyes wear black considering the amount of ink flying between halves.
Across the country, Dan Hurley was forcing his glasses onto an official’s face. The Huskies — ahead by four — had successfully challenged a foul, and the refs had opted to inform Hurley personally. Big mistake. Reading lips on UConn’s sideline is risky, but I’ll do it just this once:
“Did you ever try the laser? Or Lasik?”
UConn sealed the deal, courtesy of senior big man Alex Karaban. In a postgame interview, Hurley was head-over-heels. Karaban was grinning as he came off the court, but went stonefaced as Hurley called him a “beautiful man” and giggled over his “swagger.” If he had hair, he’d be twirling it.
“Everyone should be talking about this man’s greatness because he’s all about winning. He’s a beautiful guy, really.”
Hurley’s Big East/East Regional competitor St. John’s didn’t make it through the weekend, but did provide an instant-classic presser courtesy of Rick Pitino. Here’s Pitino, sixteen questions in, responding to a food-motivated reporter:
Q: “Do you feel like your team is still hungry?”
Pitino: “Yeah, I haven’t fed them in a week. They’re on water and some fruit juices.”
I realized that NCAA Tournament viewership was soaring when my grandmother asked me about Tarris Reed Jr. Apparently, the Huskies frontcourt have become fan favorites on the “Connecticut Parents for Quality Education” Facebook page. To open the press conference, Pitino was asked to explain the surge in ratings:
“I think the resurgence of St. John’s.”
Man, he would make a killer network exec. Here he is on gameday, breaking down Duke’s paint presence … kind of. Turns out, Pitino is more focused on a religious conversion experience, triggered by Dillon Mitchell’s first trey of the season:
“Dillon Mitchell just made a 3. The lord is blessing us tonight.”
Enough lighthearted fun. It’s time to catch up with the bullies of the Big Ten, the goon squad out of Ann Arbor, Michigan. Leading Alabama with three minutes to play, Wolverines guard Elliot Cadeau taunted Tide senior Latrell Wrightsell Jr.
“It’s over. It’s over.”
The moment recalls an interview from the second round in which Cadeau said Saint Louis never stood a chance against “three future NBA All-Stars.” Sidebar: The win improved Cadeau’s all-time record to 1-2 vs. Alabama.
In the frontcourt, Wolverines forward Yaxel Lendeborg matched up against Amari Allen — a freshman with just 24 career starts. In a brutal play to tip the second half, Lendeborg faked left and dropped Allen to the floor. Lendeborg looked pissed. In his postgame presser, he looked to coach Dusty May before ripping into Bama:
“Honestly, I kinda felt a little disrespected having a freshman guarding me (…) I think that’s the first time (I’ve made someone fall) since middle school or when we were playing in the park.”
Across the hall, Tide coach Nate Oates was playing “what-if.” This time, the subject was Charles Bediako, the once-was Alabama center who signed a G League contract before returning to college in January. Sounds like Oates is putting the Michigan loss on the NCAA rulebook.
“We know we gotta get bigger (…) We saw the opportunity to bring some size on, after (James) Nnaji was declared eligible, and most people, including ourselves, thought Bediako would be eligible. We had one judge who thought so. He would’ve definitely helped the situation with the rebounding (…) We wouldn’t have gotten out-rebounded by 13 tonight had we been able to continue to play him”
Or maybe, something simpler than an injunction hearing did Bama in:
“They just kinda destroyed us on the effort stuff”
In last week’s feature, I speculated that better teams get better media training. I am hereby issuing a formal apology to the University of Illinois, who prove me wrong with every comment from Zvonimir Ivišić or David Mirkovic. Here’s Ivišić after trouncing Houston:
“We didn’t come here to let anybody b***h us … My bad.”
Sideline interviews are a hilarious indicator of a coach’s mental. Ever since PVAM coach Byron Smith delivered this gem down 18 to Florida, I have refused to take bathroom breaks during timeouts. We pee in May. Here’s what John Calipari had to say after Arkansas’ 2-of-10 start vs. Arizona:
“First of all, they’re really good. We’ve got to… run stuff because of how they’re playing.”
I’m not sure what’s happening in the Purdue locker room, but I know Fletcher Loyer is the ringleader. Look at the way CJ Cox, Oscar Cluff and All-Big Ten First-Teamer Braden Smith stare him down the second a scouting question is asked:
By the way, Loyer put up an elite performance in Purdue’s Settlers of Catan match last week. Forget all-conference — real dominance begins at the trading post.
On a wholesome note, here is Iowa guard Brendan Hausen bringing the Sweet Sixteen to Amarillo. Hopefully the NCAA isn’t checking inventory.
“I’m trying to steal as many towels as I can to take home, cause I don’t know the next time someone from Amarillo, Texas will go to the Sweet Sixteen or Elite Eight. So when I go home I just want to give as many towels as I can or March Madness things to the little kids.”
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